🚀
Our "Solution"
The world's most questionable approach to compliance
Our 6-Hour Process™
Hour 1-2
Initial Panic
We receive your payment and put it all on red
Hour 3-4
Creative Writing
Our team crafts beautiful policies. Tolkien would be proud.
Hour 5
The Stamp
Bob uses his legendary rubber stamp. It's been passed down through generations.
Hour 6
Celebration!
You get a PDF. We get paid. 🎉
Available "Certifications"
🔐
SOC2 Type 💀
Our most popular product
- ✓ Beautiful certificate PDF (300 DPI!)
- ✓ Impressive-sounding report
- ✓ Surpizes make it more fun
- ✓ Plausible deniability guide
$10K
🌍
ISO 27001-ish
International-looking fraud
- ✓ Fancy European formatting
- ✓ Multiple language options (Eduardo learned French in 3rd grade)
- ✓ Official-looking watermarks
- ✓ Guilt-free guarantee*
$15K
*Guilt-free guarantee void if you look at the reports for more than 28 seconds
Us vs. The Competition
| Feature | Purple Capy 🦫 | Boring Competitors |
|---|---|---|
| Time to Certification | 6 Hours | 6-12 Months 🤮 |
| Price | $10K | $50,000+ 💸 |
| Actually Legitimate | Stop asking questions | Unfortunately Yes |
| Prison Risk | ~30% | ~0% |
Ready to Make one of the Decision of All Time?
Join the 70% who haven't been caught yet!